It’s messy this life. It’s often full of joy, happiness, love, laughter, pain, hurt, sadness grief. These are all emotions that make us human that makes life so fucking messy at times that it feels like your heart is going to burst with pure joy or is being ripped from your very being.
So how do we live, indeed thrive in this very messy life? That is a question that I often find myself pondering.
Because it seems from one moment to the next my thoughts, feelings and behaviour changes. I can feel like I am the most magical creature that I truly get my ‘self’, that finally I have my shit together that finally it makes sense, I know my purpose, I understand my passion, I know what I am here for.
Then just as easily as the wind changes my state changes because just as I think I have it, just as I think I have made sense of it all, I fall flat on my face, I get the wind taken out of my sails. Now sometimes I allow this to be done to me and sometimes I do it to myself. Either way it’s so damn annoying.
This whole life thing is tenuous. It’s just a moment in time, yet it is our time. Sometimes the enormity of that sits with me, adds to the pressure of my own thoughts.
So, as I sit here right now writing this I can think over the last 36 hours that I have been in both of the above positions, thinking I got it, then that I haven’t got shit. Then flat lining where I am neither in one place or the other, actually in the space between the space.
So, what to do, how to deal with that. Is it because I am too emotional, is it because I take too much too heart, take it all too personally, take on other people’s stuff too much. Am I just in self-sabotage mode, am I control freak, am I, am I am I…….yes, I am all of these things and million more. That is what makes me, me. I can’t sugar coat reality and swallow it whole. So why try.
I am so not perfect. I am perfectly imperfect doing the best that I can in any moment in time. Sometimes I am an A1 fuck-up, sometimes I am an A1 fucking magician.
I need to remember I have the choice to be either of the A1’s and that either one is OK, really OK because I am not stuck in either of those places.
Because the great thing about thoughts is there is always another one coming and with that comes another feeling and behaviour.
So, it’s OK to not always be OK. If that is not OK with you well that is about you not me.
Finally, maybe I am OK with that, maybe.